Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Ram, Bam, thank you Ma'am

Toffee casts a discerning eye
It had to happen one day. As the goat girls have grown up we decided it was time for them to move in society and meet boys. It is a bit unfair, rather like an arranged marriage, when the only boy you get to meet is chosen by another and then you have to share with your sisters. None-the-less the anticipated meeting of the sexes has taken place and the girls took everything in their stride.

Bill's arrival was a quiet affair. After selecting him from the local dating agency, we paid the gigolo master a retainer and arranged transport. Before the girls could get too excited on the day it was decided to give them a dose of drench and a basic physical to ensure that they could stand up to the rigours of courtship. Our trusting young ladies came to our call for the offered treats of broccoli bushes and other garden greens and there we set upon them.

Bill comes to visit
Catching a goat is an interesting activity. Having short hair they cannot be grasped by the pelt be it short and curly or fluffed up in its winter thickness but nature obviously foresaw this necessity and thus gave the goat handles. I think goats are of the opinion that their horns are for such useful things as scratching, headbutting and locker room comparisons but really they serve as excellent appendages for grasping and restraining the animal. So each girl in turn found herself rough handled as Lyn and I inexpertly captured and held her to receive her dose of 'medicine'. It was all over quickly and with treats all round to distract them the girls shook off the experience and went back to life as usual. Meanwhile, at the other end of the paddock and out of sight, their new friend awaited.

Rather than just let Bill out of the truck and allow him find his own way, we decided that introductions were in order. So while Ross, Sharon and I stood guard over the billy and watched with fascination as he prepared himself by applying the goat version of cologne (a quick piss on the beard), Viv and Lyn went to fetch the girls. As their 'maas' came closer, Bill got more interested. He'd been living in a segregated dorm with a bunch of other blokes where it was hard to tell who smelt of what and now a whole new vista was opening before him. It was time to go to work.
Polly is targeted by lusty billy

Goat courting is quite an entertaining business and we wondered how long things might take and who would be the first of the girls to fall under the spell of romance. After the aforementioned application of Brut 33 goat style, Bill wasted no time on formalities. No introductions or persuasive words, simply a nose to the rump with the question, "are you ready for it?" The negative response to this question is simply to ignore the question and to walk away while the positive seems to be a vigorous wagging of the tail. The billy continues by wiping his cologne scented beard down the lady's flank and poking out his tongue whilst rolling his eyes in what looks like the suggestive leer of a dirty old man waiting at a school bus stop. All charm!!

Bill makes the opening moves

As all parents know, when their kids come to courting age, there is not much you can do to guide their choice of partner. Hormones being what they are, what one finds obnoxious another will find irresistible and it's often the quiet demure young ladies who will fall for the rakish gentlemen and before you know it their reputation is in tatters. Such was our experience with the goat girls. We've watched them grow, enjoyed their little character traits and assigned virtues and flaws to each one. The 'butting' order is firmly established and though they hang together, we suspect that, like any group of girls, they have cliques which change as often as the weather. We thought we knew them; adventurous Toffee, dominating Molly, the matron of the group, sly Sugar who is not adverse to getting a nose into whatever mischief is afoot and demure little Polly who gets pushed around by the others. Obviously the first one to have her head turned would be one of the most self assured, or so we thought.

Polly offers a 'come on'

I wasn't quite shocked and I don't know why I was disappointed but I was surprised to see that Bill's charms demolished little Polly's defences in no time at all. She was wagging her tail and giving him come hither looks which had him hanging out the tongue in anticipation. Ah! lost innocence! From the perspective of several weeks on, it seems that all the girls eventually succumbed to Bill's questionable charms and now he follows them docilely about the paddocks, confident in the knowledge that his cologne is still strong and he can pull the chicks anytime he likes.

As a consequence of all this activity, we are hoping to have kids come springtime. Bill will be long gone by then so he won't be teaching his pickup lines to the next generation but already Lyn is anticipating the 'cuteness' of little baby goats. The only trouble here is that said baby goats are destined for the food stores of the future. Will they get eaten or will their cuteness make it impossible to send them to the butcher? Only time will tell!!